Oh, not because the writing is bad. It isn’t. It’s the formatting. Evidently whatever word processing program Ivory Girl used to write “Divorced Into Slavery” didn’t handle the translation into HTML very well. As a result there are no paragraph breaks or indentations indicating a cessation of paragraph or to delineate a piece of dialog. This makes the reader go through a lot of effort in order to read the piece. I’ve had the same problem when posting to fanfiction.net, which also has some rather odd HTML interpreting issues. So frankly I don’t really blame the author, though I do recommend fixing the issue as soon as possible. Just go back through your original editor and hit the enter bar at every tab space you’ve got. It’s a pain in the ass, but I guarantee it will make your story more readable.
My next major misgiving came after I read the first sentence.
Carla could find no comfortable position in the dark, dank cell in which she’d found herself alone, her hands cuffed behind her back and bound to her cuffed feet and both attached to a chain imbedded middle ways up in the wall.
This is called a run on sentence and the story is chock full of them. It’s like the words are having a race. I’m all about compound sentences, but if you have to use the word “and” several times in a sentence, it is pretty fair indication that this is a run on. Nice descriptions by the way, but grammatically awful. I guess I should also mention the misuse of commas, since the opening sentence does a pretty good job of skewering the comma rules of the English Language, but I don’t always get those right myself. Comma use is hard to get right. So what’s the subject of this sentence? Carla? Cell? Hands? Feet? Chain? Or Wall? With all this going on I’m amazed that I kept going. But going I did. I wish I hadn't.
So let’s take a look at the story. Divorced Into Slavery is a rather long winded narrative exploring the repercussions of Carla Diane Beechum’s decision to proceed with divorce proceedings against her rich but philandering husband. In what seems like a glaring plot hole in the first page or so of the story, we discover that the laws of the United States have changed and that a woman who files divorce now is immediately incarcerated and turned into a sex slave.
Yeah, especially when your ex becomes a sex slave and you get the furniture anyway.Huh? What? Yeah. Carla says the same thing. When the hell did this happen? How did it happen? What the fuck? The laws changed and they didn’t tell anyone? Carla finds out her lawyer is in on the whole scheme and she is immediately remanded into custody and transported to a preparatory facility. The judge actually spends quite a bit of time explaining the whole thing. Ha ha. Got ya! Oh yeah, and your husband is in on it too.
Now while I was still chewing on the gristle of this very strange legal hashup, so was the author, because in just a few more paragraphs the author decides that the whole “we changed the laws of the United States secretly” plot no longer works. Suddenly, Carla is told that there is actually a secret cabal of misogynist men who are have a nationwide conspiracy to quietly remove willful or disobedient women from public view and have them trained and auctioned off as sex sluts.
See? We were going to Syracuse, but we ended up in Tallahassee. Talk about a major plot change. Did the author even think this one out?
If this story was illustrated this picture would be included.So Carla is taken to a processing facility where two things are supposed to happen. One, she is supposed to sign (of her own free will) a document granting all of her possessions to her former husband. Two, get stripped naked. Yeah. Okay. First of all, I realize that the document is for public use, but why would she voluntarily sign it? If they are going to have to force her to sign it anyway, why not just forge her name? It’s not like she will be released from sexual slavery in order to contest its legality. Why go through the hassle? Worse, the captain in charge of the facility spends an undue amount of time explaining all this to Carla. Why? Who cares? Why not just hood her, strip her, abuse her a bit, and then send her on? It’s what the reader and the captain (and presumably the author) wants! Is this explanation for the reader’s benefit? If so, then the only reason I can think of for a long winded explanation of WHY this is happening is because the author figures the reader is confused because of two competing plot lines.
When Carla refuses to sign and strip naked, Captain Harris has his two goons jump her. A fight ensues in which Carla does a pretty good job but eventually is overwhelmed, forcibly stripped, and hung by the wrists from a bar. Her feet dangle off the floor. Captain Harris spends some time ogling her, but then LEAVES FOR TWO HOURS in order to soften her up. And during that whole time the two goons do nothing to her. No touchies, no strokes, no finger fucks, no spankings, no nothing. Are they fucking eunuchs? (Oh wait, bad adjective. You can't actually HAVE "fucking" eunuchs, can you?) If I wanted to soften her up I would have had these two guys rape her, smack her around, call her names, and maybe even get out a few toys. THEN I would have come back, pretend to be her savior and get her to sign the damn document that I should have forged her name on to begin with. THIS is torture?
Then, despite the fact that there are already three perfectly good men capable of bringing this whole scene up a notch, Captain Harris introduces ANOTHER character.
"This is Yuri." Harris said as his eyes locked with Carla’s once again. "I’d tell you his full name but it’s longer than your leg and you won’t remember it anyway. Yuri is all you need to know. As you can see, Yuri is of Chinese decent and I can tell you first hand that because of that fact alone, he’s very good at what he does."
What? Yuri? Chinese? Um…what.? Yuri is a Russian name! Like have you ever heard of Yuri Gagarin? First man in space? Oh. Maybe in this story Russia has invaded and conquered China and now all ethnic Chinese names are banned and if you were going to name your kid “Ying” you now have to name him “Yuri”. Or maybe Ivan? Okay, I concede that Yuri also happens to be a female Korean name, but if I have to choose between Russia conquering China and Yuri actually being a cross-dressing Korean immigrant who moved to China, I'm going with the Russian thing. Oh and by the way, is this some sort of racism toward Chinese people? What is the author implying here? That Chinese people are better at torturing people than any other ethnicity? Or just hand with long whippy sticks? Anyway, Captain Harris evidently has no balls for torture and instead has an ethnic Chinese Russian come into the torture room.
I would like to point out that several times during the previous scenes the author accidentally switches from past tense to present tense. So now we’re also time traveling during all this. Is the flux capacitor working properly Doc?
Wait a minute, Doc. Ah... Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean? Yuri brings with him a small green flexible plastic cane and wields it against Carla’s body. Evidently Captain Harris can’t swing a stick compared to this man. We are treated to a private mental monologue of how awesome Yuri is and what an expert he is. Evidently a lifetime of training in the art of “where to hit pretty women with a plastic stick” makes one an asset in the new world order of sadism. Through the whole whipping Captain Harris gets harder and harder watching. Who knows what the two eunuchs think, because the author doesn’t mention them again
I presume Yuri did a better job than this picture demonstrates.Captain Harris decided to try to get her to sign the papers again. He threatens her with having the skin flayed right off her ass by Yuri and then, even more horribly, sucks on her nipple. Carla is defiant, despite the breast sucking.
Um…question here. If this is just a processing facility, and later Carla is to be sold at auction, wouldn’t having whipping scars all over her back and ass be a detriment? But it doesn’t actually matter because the threat of Yuri whipping her rear end off is a bluff. Instead Harris pulls out a plastic coat hanger he stole from Wal-Mart, the kind with clips on it, and proceeds to attach it to Carla’s breasts. I like it. Finally we are getting into something a little juicier. But then Harris leaves! Yuri and the two goons are ignored as Harris leaves the room and moves somewhere else but still watches what is going on. Carla spends some time hanging there, trying to dislodge the clamp hanger, but fails. After an unspecified amount of time, Harris comes back and sends one of the goons for ANOTHER person!
"Let me introduce you to Helga." Captain Harris said without getting up from behind his desk. "Helga is kind of our jack of all trades. She does the laundry, helps out in the kitchen, and does most of the grooming of the slaves that pass through here. That little bush you’ve got sweetheart," Motioning with his eyes between Carla’s legs, "is lovely, but it has to go."
Helga had a previous position before this story. Interesting movie by the way.We are then treated to a little insight into Captain Harris, who is no doubt channeling Carla’s ex-husband’s mental process.
This ought to make the bitch sit up and take notice. She’ll understand once and for all this ain’t no game and I ain’t that pussy-whipped husband of hers. She may be used to getting her way in most things, but this is Frank Harris she’s facing now, not that gutless wonder she’d been married to. I’m the man around here and the sooner she gets that shit through her head the better.
Is this a story or a diatribe? What a long winded bastard! I could have had her signing the paper in about an hour. All I can conclude is that Captain Harris is a fucking incompetent. Oh yeah, and now the two goons, Yuri, and Captain Harris are watching. Pretty soon we’ll have the whole department in there with them.
The author does a pretty good job describing Helga’s treatment and Carla’s reaction. As I have never personally been waxed (thank God) nor have seen it done, I will presume that the reactions are reasonably accurate. In the end Carla is as bare as a newborn baby.
Now this process has taken about an hour. Yuri took about ten or twenty minutes, and Captain Harris has left the room twice, once for a two hour period. In all this time Carla has been left HANGING BY HER ARMS! Anatomy 101: Hanging a person by the arms for extend periods of time will cause irreparable damage to her shoulders, will probably dislocate her shoulder joints, and tear ligaments and muscles in her back. Well done Captain. She can no longer give a decent hand job. You’ve just made her worthless as a sex slave. Moron.
But it’s okay, because Carla is super-human. She has endured all of this and is still pissed off and mad. Finally Harris s the clamps and finger fucks Carla, demanding to know what got her sexually aroused. She responds with a flippant remark about Harris’ masculinity. Damn! You go girl! Why not just ask them to ram a two by four up your ass?
Harris is spitting mad and orders the two goons to put Carla on all fours. Soon she is bound, arms up and behind her and Harris whips out his cock and butt fucks her. Yeah. After all that she’s been through this is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back.
Oh wait. It does. This breaks her. A dry anal rape, which seriously can’t be much more fun for Frank Harris than it is for her. I mean, seriously…dry? Ouch. But he rams her repeatedly, putting his weight on her and forcing her arms back and upward. Considering the amount of damage he probably has already caused to her shoulders and arms, this would be like taking a bowl of smashed glass and running it through a grinder before trying to sell it as a vase. Carla breaks emotionally and physically with the brutal rape and Harris gets off inside her rear end. He orders one of the goons to take his place while he moves around to her mouth for a cleaning.
Yuck. A2M. What the hell is up with this? Sigh. All right. Whatever. I suppose people don’t like everything I put in a story either. I’ll just ignore the A2M and pretend it didn’t happen. That’s my right. I am in awe of Harris’ courage. For FOUR hours plus this woman had defied him, and now he’s going to stick his cock in her mouth? Is he THAT SURE SHE IS BROKEN? Wow. I’m impressed. If I could read people that well I’d go in for high stake poker games.
So both goons get to do Carla after she’s done “cleaning” Captain Harris. Two MORE guys are brought in, bring the total number of people in the room to eight including Carla. Hey wait, does Yuri get a chance to fuck her as well? And what about Helga? Does she want some action too?
Finally the characters the author hasn’t forgotten about get a piece of Carla’s ass and she is dumped in a corner. But evidently Captain Harris is all about work, and instead of making her sign the damn paper now, he instructs the goons to bring in another girl. What? After all that trouble? Why not make her sign the paper and THEN string her back up? Moron! Idiot!
Now we are introduced to the ninth person to come into the room: Barbara Kelsey. I applaud the author for naming everyone, but I can’t even remember the names of the two goons. But I’m a sucker for a girl’s name, and oh…she’s a red head. Too bad she’s over-weight and forty two. I’m not complaining about the age, but did you have to damage my sense of the imagination? When I think of a red-head, I think this:
But just when I thought maybe the author was going to treat us to some different torments applied on a different girl, Barbara signs the papers and is removed. Evidently if you sign the papers immediately nudity isn’t required. On the flip side, if Harris’ goal is to get papers signed, using Carla as an example is pretty swift. This time someone who has come into the room is actually taken out of it. Unfortunately a new girl is brought in. She is even more unappetizing from a physical stand point and we now discover why Yuri has been left in the room for three hours. He gives the new girl TWO HUNDRED strokes of the cane. Yep. Right. Sure. Time passess.....
Girl number three is brought in and now the author grants us a little favor of her being attractive.
She was tall, five feet nine if an inch, blonde, blue-eyed, and blessed with a set of tits guaranteed to give every man within a hundred mile radius a hard on the size of Mount Rushmore.
Yeah, sort of like this. Maybe. But I can dream, right?Last time I checked, Mount Rushmore is not on the list of well known phallic symbols. It’s a low squat hill made of granite with four giant faces carved into it. There isn't even a president named "Dick" on the mountain! How about the Washington Monument? Or the Grand Tetons? Or the Sears Tower? Or a mighty sequoia? But Mount Rushmore? You’ve got to be kidding me! Maybe if the four faces included Ron Jeremy and John Holmes I’d be inclined to swing that way, but Mount Rushmore?
I don't see a dick here...oh wait. Okay. Now I do.So what happens? Nothing. Except for the fact that Harris suddenly goes back to Carla after girl #3 pulls a similar stunt and refuses to sign the paper. Carla, who has already been broken thanks to an anal rape suddenly finds her spine and tells Harris to go to hell. Harris, livid, orders the goons to take Carla to Room B. This tells me two things. First of all, there are no more than 26 rooms here at the facility, and that we are probably in Room A. I can see this. Girl #3 happens to be tied up in this room and why go through the trouble of taking her down in order to string Carla back up. But then, inexplicably, Harris tells the goons to have the two extra goons to come back and take Girl #3 to Room C. When did the other goons leave? Did they take Yuri with them? Where the fuck is Helga? Is she going to wax Girl #3 now? And Harris makes the observation that usually they process twenty or so girls a DAY! If every waxing takes an hour how does Helga do it all? I’m a little confused.
Evidently Room B, which Carla has been dragged too, comes equipped with a something different: a hook. The goons take Carla to Room B and we follow along, leaving Harris with Girl #3. Carla is still bound with her hands behind her back and the two goons hang her on the hook by the arms. Okay, I’m no longer believing this. This position would rip Carla’s arms out of her sockets, which apparently the author is aware of, since the goons laughingly joke about it to Carla. They leave her there while Harris has a cup of coffee and Yuri is asked to come back and cane girl #3 on the soles of the feet. Disappointingly, we don’t get to witness his, which I would have really enjoyed.
It's just you Harris. You wuss. Be a man and whip her yourself!Harris eventually decides to go back to Carla and after a little bit of coat hanger play has the two goons tie bags of sand to Carla’s feet, just to add more weight to her arms. But it’s okay because Carla’s arms and shoulders are actually made of a titanium alloy that can withstand massive amounts of pressure. What? You didn’t read about that? Well it was right there with the part about Russia invading and conquering China.
More weight is added and then Harris shows Carla the same kind of foot locks that Girl #3 is being bastinadoed in. Harris orders the goons to open the doors to both Cell B and C and we actually get the best line in the entire story:
Another scream rent the air followed by, "You fucking little gook motherfucker!"
Sweet. That should be immortalized as an epithet on a tombstone. Really sweet, except gook technically refers to a Korean. Oh well. Then Harris adds another forty pounds to Carla’s arms, which finally snap, the shoulder coming out of the socket. Somehow, amazingly, her tendons and muscles don’t rip to shreds, but she does pass out. A bucket of water is thrown on her and she’s still hung by her arms, but now Harris has the goons roll a cart over with what appears to be some sort of Tens Unit on it. A metal phallic probe is inserted into Carla’s pussy and she is shocked into oblivion. This causes her to jerk and jump around and finally she breaks. Again. She agrees to sign the papers and Harris makes the same fucking mistake he made earlier. Instead of going and getting the papers and making her sign them, he orders her left bound! Oh my GOD! Doesn’t he realize that next morning she is going to object again! Holy FUCK! What a jackass!
And thus ends the story, but not this review. We still have a lot to talk about. To be honest, this story was like a wandering path in a field full of cows. There’s plenty of real beef but you keep stepping in cow shit. The plot which actually was Carla’s torture was the real point of the story and we could have saved a lot of time with just getting on with it. Generally you don’t have to make things make sense in stories like this. I mean seriously, the whole “laws” thing and “you are now a sex slave” thing could have been explained with “they thunked her over the head and she woke up in a cell.” There. Done. That cut about three hundred pointless words of this story. Keep it simple.
So far I’ve skewered this story pretty hard, so let’s talk about what it has going for it. Number One thing: Description. This story is described out the wazzoo. It’s awesome. Everything is described. The scenes, the characters, their feelings, even sometime their internal thoughts. A single cane stroke takes several sentences because we get the action and then the reaction. It’s incredible. You can almost taste the tension in the air. You can FEEL the blows. You want to help. (or for some of you take Carla’s place.) The author does a FANTASTIC job with descriptions.
Number Two: Um…uh…well…uh. Oh. Yeah. It DID get me hard.
But the story was so long and so drawn out, with all these little fucking coffee breaks that just when I was getting going, Captain Harris went out for a cup of joe. So like this story, I had no climax.
Grammatically, besides the comma problem and the run on sentences, things aren’t bad. They’re not perfect, but then who is. The last thing I need is some English Lit guy block quoting my review with all the poor grammar highlighted. But that said there are limits. If the common reader like me can recognize problems, then practically everyone can.
At the end of the story is a disclaimer from RPP Stories, which stands for Rape, Pillage, and Plunder, a private site run by Alebeard. I have no experience with this site and am not a member, so I can’t really comment on it, but I’m worried that this story might have been posted at the BDSM Library without permission. It seems an odd addition to the posting, so we’ll see where it goes.
So where does this story rank? I’m going to give it a five, and it would probably have been higher had the formatting been acceptable. That means this story is Okay, and has some promise, but needs some serious work. Should you read it? Yes, but only if you want unbelievable characters, acting stupidly, in unbelievable situations, being tortured in unbelievable ways, all for no particularly good reason.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thanks for commenting on Michael Alexander's BDSM Blog! We love hearing from our fans. Whether it's a critique, a suggestion, or just a plain old "well done!" drop us a line! Or feel free to email us directly! You can find our address at our website! Thanks!